The crushing sense of being alone in the world, isolated and abandoned is a perceived reality I hear all too often as a counselor. Time and time again, clients tell me that I am the first person to hear what they are carrying or going through, that it is not safe to tell others for fear of being shamed, rejected, judged or fixed with quick solutions.
As I listen and enter into the details I have this strong sense that they feel orphaned, completely alone. I came across a phrase recently that seemed to capture this reality, that the new cancer is loneliness. Loneliness leaves you with this unnamed sadness of not feeling felt, heard or understood. In the emptiness of that feeling there often surfaces a sense of not being worthy or valued as a human being, as if you caused this and are to blame for the lack of human connection. I am deeply grateful for the safe and confidential container of the counseling office to allow these feelings and perceptions to be heard, valued, and processed. Simply being seen, heard and validated (valued) in the middle of your messy truth begins the slow process of healing.
I am also grateful for my faith in a living, loving presence all around me that cares for me (us) and knows me (us) and is somehow closer to me than my own breath. This vulnerable faith journey helps to sustain me and give me hope (grounding) in the moments I am tempted to believe that I am all alone, and must take care of myself by myself. Part of this faith journey is embedded in the rich truth behind the word, Immanuel, God with us in and through the human companionship of Jesus. Many of my clients have a theoretical or doctrinal (head) belief regarding Jesus, but are missing an actual experience of intimacy with Jesus in the mix and hurt of their real life story. It is an amazing, sacred privilege to go looking for Jesus (his Immanuel presence) with clients right in the very places they have felt abandoned the most. Often we rehearse or relive old wounds and painful memories with their old ugly messages on our own, forgetting to look for the closeness and intimate friendship with Jesus in that moment. He is longing to hold us and connect with us in that memory, whispering words of compassion and truth.
In my own life story, I carry the scars of being bullied during my high school years due to the fact of being a late bloomer physically. To survive and cope I learned to make light of things and to excel in humor to lessen the blows and to ward off potential bullies. I believed the lies that I was not a man and could only make my way (be valued) by being funny. What a healing surprise to be invited years later to go back to those scenes of being bullied and taunted with my memory and imagination, but this time to be open and curious about the Immanuel presence of Jesus with me in those moments. To pay attention to his face, his presence, and the words he might have to say to me in that moment in that old painful memory. What deep joy to hear love, compassion, value and validation for me as a young man. So now, I can access the companioning friendship of Jesus within that old scary moment, connecting to his love and not the old toxic message. This also frees me up to go looking for other parts of my story that I have lived and survived alone with, and begin discovering Him and His healing love with me in those parts as well. May you also be surprised by this healing relational Immanuel truth when you feel the weight of being alone (orphaned) as you go looking for intimate closeness of Jesus with you past, present and future, in every detail of your life. To explore this further check out the following web site http://www.immanuelapproach.com/ and by all means feel free to talk to your therapist about this.
Brent Unrau, MA, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA