Helpful Articles

Parents are the ones best positioned to shape their children’s attitudes from the day of birth. While they have little control over this twisted, violent and porn saturated society, they can seize every opportunity to train and equip them to treasure what is beautiful, holy and sacred. Their bodies and minds, – temples of the Holy Spirit no less! – and their sexuality are precisely that: beautiful, holy and sacred. Every attempt to prevent exposure to pornography is worth the effort. Such images invariably leave a lasting negative impression. Confusion, shame, and fear can easily become a noose around the child’s soul.

However, for parents it is very unsettling to learn about their child’s exposure or enmeshment with porn. By God’s grace, courageous parents lead their youngsters back towards freedom.

There are three steps parents can take if they discover that their son or daughter is into pornography. First, delay your initial reaction and intervention. Allow yourself to sort out your own feelings of shock and revulsion. Parenting is done much better when you are calm and in control of yourself. While you may feel like grounding your child for a year, or taking away internet privileges for two years, this kind of reactive punishment is not helpful to set the stage for the many necessary conversations that need to follow. Second, plan a number of counselling or strategizing sessions to determine next steps, both short and long term. Consider the impact of the reality of porn exposure on the whole family unit. How will you go about disclosing it to your spouse, your other children, and extended family members and friends? Finally, find encouragement in the reality that the struggle with porn is a battle that can be won in the context of a supportive and understanding family unit. Luke Gilkerson (2010) explains:

“Paul calls out to Timothy to run from, run to and run with: “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” – 2 Timothy 2:22, (NLT)

1. Run From

“So flee youthful passions”

“Passions” refer to our cravings, our longings, our desires. More specifically the passage speaks of “youthful passions.” These fleshly lusts are said to “wage war against the soul” (1 Peter 2:11). …We must run from these things. Every Christian, even though he or she is indwelt by the Spirit of Christ, still lives in a mortal body surrounded by worldly amusements.

2. Run To

“. . . pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace”

It is not enough to flee from youthful lusts. We must run towards a new passion. We are to “pursue,” that is, eagerly and swiftly run toward Christlikeness.

3. Run With

“. . . along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”

We must not only run from lust and toward God’s vision for our lives, we must also run with our brothers and sisters with the same vision. We must all find companions for this stretch of the road, those who share our faith and convictions, those in the common struggle for holiness.”

Heres Snijder, B. Ed., MA, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA

Reference:

Gilkerson, L. (2010). 3 Biblical strategies for fighting lust. Covenant Eyes. Retrieved from http://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/05/13/3-biblical-strategies-for-fighting-lust/

Good mental health practices are important for everyone but especially for teens. Teens are experiencing growth spurts not only of their bodies but their brains, highs and lows of emotions unlike childhood, and an orientation to their friends and influences online. The teenage brain is more adaptive, open to exploration, more receptive to novelty, subject to hormonal “power surges” that flood the brain with estrogen or testosterone and is essentially a turbo-charged car with an inexperienced driver. Most students I know lack adequate sleep (9 hours a night is recommended) and that by itself leads to distraction and poor decision making. On top of that discernment, executive and logical thinking isn’t fully developed until the late teens to mid 20’s.

One in five High School students is dealing with a mental health issue, either struggling or diagnosed, and if left untreated this can lead to the development of long-term unhelpful patterns of thinking and acting. Early recognition and help is important.

The most common mental health issues for teens are Anxiety, Depression, Conduct Disorders, Addictions (including gaming and pornography) and Psychosis. For more information about the symptoms and warning signs for these, go to www.mindcheck.ca. This is a website designed for teens so they can inform themselves about these issues, and find coping skills and other resources. Parents can check out keltymentalhealth.ca for information and resources for themselves and find ways to support their teen.

The most important mental health strategies are:

1) Adequate sleep (preferably 9 hours per night) during the night, and good sleep hygiene (no screens one hour before bed and none in the bedroom, regular hours of sleep, finish homework early, do something positive and calming before sleep)

2) Nutritious food on a regular schedule. Breakfast (with protein) is essential for good thinking.

3) Positive social support and encouragement: parents, relatives, other caring adults, and solid friendships with at least one good peer. Negativity, criticism, lecturing and “telling them what to do” does not help them develop the skills they need. Adults can take more of a listening and coaching role, helping them see the problem from different angles and generate and evaluate their own ideas on how to solve it.

4) Regular exercise which helps burn off the stress chemicals that can build up in the body.

5) Have good strategies to help yourself calm down. Breathing, withdrawing from a high conflict situation until you can form a strategy to address it, take a break, eat something nutritious and drink some water, do something active, find a friend who listens.

6) Develop good negotiation and conflict resolution skills aiming for win/win solutions.

7) Develop an attitude of gratitude and as much as possible embrace forgiveness, kindness and compassion as a way of life.

8) Ask for help. Kelty Mental Health is a BC organization designed to support teens and families dealing with mental health issues. Find out what is available locally.

Jan Bryant, BA, LLB, M.Ed., RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA

When life has thrown us a few curve balls and our family or societal culture taught us to “just keep going, be strong, you can handle it, or just get over it” we fail to recognize the importance of our emotions. This inability to acknowledge and process our own emotions leads to the lack of being able to recognize and respond appropriately to the emotions of others, including our children and spouses.

Futility and Adaptation: “Finding our tears” – Developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld talks about the “Adaptation process” which refers to the child’s development and ability to adjust when things don’t go their way. It is important that a child is able to acknowledge such futility or disappointment within the context of a safe and warm relationship. Tears are often a symbol of a child’s coming to terms with such disappointment. The process of experiencing futility is important for a child to be able to build resilience. The tears actually help to release stress hormones and toxins from the body.

There are different types of tears; tears of futility and sadness, anger or frustration and upset. Parents and caregivers need to provide a safe place for the child where they can express the tears, instead of encouraging them to “just get over it”. Inviting them to express what didn’t work (such as they lost a game, friends mocked them, feeling embarrassed etc.) and responding in a warm manner can help to keep their hearts from being hardened. If the relationship between child and parent is a sound attachment then whatever you think of them will be more important then what their peers think of them.

Adaptation & Building resilience: A child shows healthy adaptation when they have overcome and worked through situations that brought futility. When a child does not learn to process emotions effectively they will become stuck, their heart may be hardened, and the relationship between parent and child will be affected. When this type of “stuckness” continues over time, the child will develop a lack of adaptation and resilience in their next developmental phase, which may continue into adulthood. Many adults are still stuck, as they have not been able to find healthy ways to acknowledge, express and process emotions and futilities as a result of things not having gone the way they thought.

Aggression: When a child experiences frustration, the brain has two options; to emotionally express the frustration and sadness of not having obtained what was desired, or if the futility is not experienced it will build up as attacking energy. In order for a child to go from frustration to adaptation, the emotions of futility need to be fully felt, if not aggression will build. Gordon Neufeld says: “aggression is the outcome of the failure to adapt”.

Mixed feelings: Key to human development and maturity according to Neufeld is the ability to hold mixed feelings simultaneously. This is an awareness that develops as part of the maturation process and parental coaching. Mixed feelings help you think twice before you make a decision, have empathy and consideration for others. An example might be “when I hit my annoying sister it makes me feel better, but I know that she will get hurt and I don’t like that”. We can help children develop mixed feelings by role modelling how to think or feel about two opposites in a particular situation. Use words to explain to the child that they feel one thing and at the same time feel something different about the same situation. This will help the maturation and developmental process of the child.

Counselling: Many parents observe behaviours in their children they find undesirable or even harmful. Typically parents may consider counseling for the child in order for their behaviour to change. The problem with this approach is that typically behavioural issues are of a relational nature that often includes unresolved emotions or emotions not appropriately responded to. It is very important for the parents to be part of the child’s counselling to ensure healthy attachments are being built.

Monique Hoving-Smeets, MAMFT
Counsellor, CCCA