Couples are forever asking the basic question, “Are you there for me?,” so says author and therapist, Sue Johnson in her book, “Hold Me Tight.” This is such a powerful yearning, to know that our loved one is truly “there” for us. We all want to know that there is at least one person out there who truly, “has our back.” If there is one person that we desire to be “on our side,” it is our partner. The word “partner” is a fitting descriptor of our loved one, for that person is a part of us, a person who stands beside us and supports us.
Sue Johnson says that all of us have a wired-in need for reliable emotional connection. The three keys to this reliable emotional connection are that we are: open, attuned, and responsive to one another. In conflict, we tend to close off to one another and/or we view our partner as the enemy or threat.
Healthy relationships stay open to what the other person is saying. They notice the other person’s feelings and body postures and pay attention to them. Healthy partners respond to rather than react to what their partner is saying. If you find that you are reacting more than responding, then you probably are closed off to your partner or have emotionally shut down. Instead we want to be responsive to our partner, attempting to see things from their point of view and considering their opinion to the point where we allow it to influence our own. If you find that your partner has shut down, then seek them out. Try to understand your partner and convey comfort and care when you see that your partner is distressed.
Mike Ayers, MDiv, MA MFT, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA