When life has thrown us a few curve balls and our family or societal culture taught us to “just keep going, be strong, you can handle it, or just get over it” we fail to recognize the importance of our emotions. This inability to acknowledge and process our own emotions leads to the lack of being able to recognize and respond appropriately to the emotions of others, including our children and spouses.
Futility and Adaptation: “Finding our tears” – Developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld talks about the “Adaptation process” which refers to the child’s development and ability to adjust when things don’t go their way. It is important that a child is able to acknowledge such futility or disappointment within the context of a safe and warm relationship. Tears are often a symbol of a child’s coming to terms with such disappointment. The process of experiencing futility is important for a child to be able to build resilience. The tears actually help to release stress hormones and toxins from the body.
There are different types of tears; tears of futility and sadness, anger or frustration and upset. Parents and caregivers need to provide a safe place for the child where they can express the tears, instead of encouraging them to “just get over it”. Inviting them to express what didn’t work (such as they lost a game, friends mocked them, feeling embarrassed etc.) and responding in a warm manner can help to keep their hearts from being hardened. If the relationship between child and parent is a sound attachment then whatever you think of them will be more important then what their peers think of them.
Adaptation & Building resilience: A child shows healthy adaptation when they have overcome and worked through situations that brought futility. When a child does not learn to process emotions effectively they will become stuck, their heart may be hardened, and the relationship between parent and child will be affected. When this type of “stuckness” continues over time, the child will develop a lack of adaptation and resilience in their next developmental phase, which may continue into adulthood. Many adults are still stuck, as they have not been able to find healthy ways to acknowledge, express and process emotions and futilities as a result of things not having gone the way they thought.
Aggression: When a child experiences frustration, the brain has two options; to emotionally express the frustration and sadness of not having obtained what was desired, or if the futility is not experienced it will build up as attacking energy. In order for a child to go from frustration to adaptation, the emotions of futility need to be fully felt, if not aggression will build. Gordon Neufeld says: “aggression is the outcome of the failure to adapt”.
Mixed feelings: Key to human development and maturity according to Neufeld is the ability to hold mixed feelings simultaneously. This is an awareness that develops as part of the maturation process and parental coaching. Mixed feelings help you think twice before you make a decision, have empathy and consideration for others. An example might be “when I hit my annoying sister it makes me feel better, but I know that she will get hurt and I don’t like that”. We can help children develop mixed feelings by role modelling how to think or feel about two opposites in a particular situation. Use words to explain to the child that they feel one thing and at the same time feel something different about the same situation. This will help the maturation and developmental process of the child.
Counselling: Many parents observe behaviours in their children they find undesirable or even harmful. Typically parents may consider counseling for the child in order for their behaviour to change. The problem with this approach is that typically behavioural issues are of a relational nature that often includes unresolved emotions or emotions not appropriately responded to. It is very important for the parents to be part of the child’s counselling to ensure healthy attachments are being built.
Monique Hoving-Smeets, MAMFT
Counsellor, CCCA